https://1974haze.blogspot.com/2024/03/maiden-mother-crone.html
Time infinite
Saturday, 9 March 2024
Monday, 27 July 2015
Personal experience of abuse
Most of this blog is written in the third person. This blog post is different.
It has taken me about a year to let go of some of the things that happened to me when I was trapped in an abusive relationship. Abusive people take over every aspect of your existence so that in many respects, you stop being who you are. I lost about 50% of my personality, when I was with my ex. Amongst many other elements of abuse, I was controlled by my ex. There were a large numbers things that I simply wasn't allowed to do. It sounds incredible to say that. You probably think, why on earth did you let someone control you like that and the answer is rather complex. Over time it becomes easier, moreover it becomes safer to do what your partner wants. It becomes easier to stop having a voice. Having a voice means you get threatened, you get hurt, your children are at risk and you get screamed at. So to avoid the anger, the threats and so on, you live your life the way your abusive partner wants you to. Also you still love your abusive partner, you believe they will change, you make excuses for them and you worry that you won't manage without them because they have stolen your self-esteem.
About 2 months after we left my ex, I remember feeling guilty for buying my daughter hair bands. I wasn't allowed to buy things like that because they were a luxury. With my ex, I had no say whatsoever regarding anything that appertained to money. When we left my ex and I had the freedom to buy something without threats, without fear, yet I found it difficult because I had become so controlled by him. Similar feelings occurred in queues. I would be screamed at, often in public, for choosing the wrong queue. The right queue was the fastest. I used to feel a terrible sense of dread as I approached a queue with my ex. A year on, I sometimes choose the longest queue, just because I can! Likewise, I would be screamed at for stopping to rearrange the buggy when walking anywhere. It didnt matter whether we were in a rush or not, if I bent down to make sure shopping was safe in the buggy, I would be shouted at. I used to worry that items of shopping might fall out of the buggy but didn't dare check it because of his reaction. He used to tell me that I was paranoid and that I was an emotional mess because I wanted to stop to rearrange the buggy. Thus, I was always treading on egg shells. I never operated in the here and now because I was always worrying about what he would say and do.
A year on, I often live in the moment. I have the same worries that every person has. But I don't live inside a relationship that is built upon control. I make my own choices. I am in charge of my own finances. Moreover, I am in charge of my own life. I have every part of my personality back. In fact, I now feel like I'm superwoman. It has taken a year to reach this point but I can now say that I feel more free than I ever have. I smile with genuine happiness most of the time. There are ups and downs, of course. Sometimes being a single parent is hard but despite it's challenges, it is a million times easier than life inside abuse.
I could list 100s of things that my ex did but a huge list of horrible experiences would make for long and depressing reading.
This post is about freedom, my freedom from abuse.
May anyone experiencing domestic abuse, find their way to freedom.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
It has taken me about a year to let go of some of the things that happened to me when I was trapped in an abusive relationship. Abusive people take over every aspect of your existence so that in many respects, you stop being who you are. I lost about 50% of my personality, when I was with my ex. Amongst many other elements of abuse, I was controlled by my ex. There were a large numbers things that I simply wasn't allowed to do. It sounds incredible to say that. You probably think, why on earth did you let someone control you like that and the answer is rather complex. Over time it becomes easier, moreover it becomes safer to do what your partner wants. It becomes easier to stop having a voice. Having a voice means you get threatened, you get hurt, your children are at risk and you get screamed at. So to avoid the anger, the threats and so on, you live your life the way your abusive partner wants you to. Also you still love your abusive partner, you believe they will change, you make excuses for them and you worry that you won't manage without them because they have stolen your self-esteem.
About 2 months after we left my ex, I remember feeling guilty for buying my daughter hair bands. I wasn't allowed to buy things like that because they were a luxury. With my ex, I had no say whatsoever regarding anything that appertained to money. When we left my ex and I had the freedom to buy something without threats, without fear, yet I found it difficult because I had become so controlled by him. Similar feelings occurred in queues. I would be screamed at, often in public, for choosing the wrong queue. The right queue was the fastest. I used to feel a terrible sense of dread as I approached a queue with my ex. A year on, I sometimes choose the longest queue, just because I can! Likewise, I would be screamed at for stopping to rearrange the buggy when walking anywhere. It didnt matter whether we were in a rush or not, if I bent down to make sure shopping was safe in the buggy, I would be shouted at. I used to worry that items of shopping might fall out of the buggy but didn't dare check it because of his reaction. He used to tell me that I was paranoid and that I was an emotional mess because I wanted to stop to rearrange the buggy. Thus, I was always treading on egg shells. I never operated in the here and now because I was always worrying about what he would say and do.
A year on, I often live in the moment. I have the same worries that every person has. But I don't live inside a relationship that is built upon control. I make my own choices. I am in charge of my own finances. Moreover, I am in charge of my own life. I have every part of my personality back. In fact, I now feel like I'm superwoman. It has taken a year to reach this point but I can now say that I feel more free than I ever have. I smile with genuine happiness most of the time. There are ups and downs, of course. Sometimes being a single parent is hard but despite it's challenges, it is a million times easier than life inside abuse.
I could list 100s of things that my ex did but a huge list of horrible experiences would make for long and depressing reading.
This post is about freedom, my freedom from abuse.
May anyone experiencing domestic abuse, find their way to freedom.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
Monday, 25 May 2015
The manipulator
An example of abusive behaviour is someone who repeatedly attempts to manipulate their victims. It can be difficult to spot. Particularly if the abuser knows how to hide their manipulative actions. For example, a manipulator may sulk until their victim does what they want. They may refuse to help with the children, carry out housework or stop talking to you until they get their own way. They may even carry out very odd behaviours in public to make their victim embarrassed until they get what they want such as exposing themselves, attempting to tell members of the public about their opinions on your relationship, asking for other people's opinions on a 'disagreement' or even threatening to run in front of car.
In fact, repeatedly threatening suicide is a very common example of manipulative behaviour. Although threatening suicide can be a cry for help,when it happens alongside other types of abusive behaviour, it is an example of emotional abuse and manipulation.
Victims of abuse must always remember that they are NOT at fault. It is always the fault of the abuser. We are each responsible for own actions. If someone attempts to manipulate you, to get what they want, your relationship is not a healthy one.
In emotionally supportive relationships, people have open discussions to reach compromise. Manipulation and abuse has no part in a healthy relationship. In healthy relationships, the protagonists understand that they may sometimes not get what they want. If compromise cannot be reached, each person is prepared to concede on their desired outcome. However it should not be the same person who concedes their desires every time. Desires / expectations in relationship should be reasonable, human centred and not undermine the other persons personal emotional power.
Yours The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
In fact, repeatedly threatening suicide is a very common example of manipulative behaviour. Although threatening suicide can be a cry for help,when it happens alongside other types of abusive behaviour, it is an example of emotional abuse and manipulation.
Victims of abuse must always remember that they are NOT at fault. It is always the fault of the abuser. We are each responsible for own actions. If someone attempts to manipulate you, to get what they want, your relationship is not a healthy one.
In emotionally supportive relationships, people have open discussions to reach compromise. Manipulation and abuse has no part in a healthy relationship. In healthy relationships, the protagonists understand that they may sometimes not get what they want. If compromise cannot be reached, each person is prepared to concede on their desired outcome. However it should not be the same person who concedes their desires every time. Desires / expectations in relationship should be reasonable, human centred and not undermine the other persons personal emotional power.
Yours The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
Wednesday, 15 April 2015
Self-defined
It's absolutely vital to remember that each person is defined by themselves. No other person can define who we are. No one can tell us how to be.
However, abusive relationships strip victims of their personal power. Once a victim of abuse is able to escape the abusive relationship, they can begin to rebuild their sense of power. This takes time and effort. But it is possible.
For victims of abuse, and indeed for all of us, it is vital to place our hands on the driving wheel of our lives. Moreover, it is extremely important to be true to who we are.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
However, abusive relationships strip victims of their personal power. Once a victim of abuse is able to escape the abusive relationship, they can begin to rebuild their sense of power. This takes time and effort. But it is possible.
For victims of abuse, and indeed for all of us, it is vital to place our hands on the driving wheel of our lives. Moreover, it is extremely important to be true to who we are.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
Sunday, 22 March 2015
Responsibility
Victims of domestic abuse can be female or male. Moreover, children, can be victims of abuse both in terms of direct abuse, which is referred to as child abuse and when the children witness the domestic abuse of their carers. It is absolutely vital to remember that in every case of domestic abuse, the victim is NEVER at fault.
Male victims may feel emasculated. They may feel that they cannot be victim of abuse because it shouldn't happen to men. Yet, sadly it can. Anyone can become a victim of domestic abuse. It doesn't happen to certain types of people. It doesn't happen to people with certain backgrounds.
Perpetrators of abuse will often to seek to blame their victims. In fact they will often seek to blame anyone and anything rather than accept responsibility for their own actions. Although domestic abuse can be two-way, in other words it is possible for both sides of a relationship to be abusive. In every case victims are not at fault. It is always the responsibility of the perpetrator.
It is important for everyone that has experienced domestic abuse to understand that they need not feel guilt. Perpetrators will often do everything they can to absolve themselves of responsibility. This type of manipulation can make a victim question whether they caused the abuse. Furthermore, the victim may be manipulated to make excuses for the perpetrator. It is not possible to cause domestic abuse. There is no excuse. The perpetrator, without exception, is responsible.
More generally, in life, we are all responsibilities for own actions. Doubtless life can throw terrible provocation at us but never-the-less we each choose how we behave. The responsibility for whatever behaviour we exhibit lies within ourselves not with another person, object or circumstance.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
Male victims may feel emasculated. They may feel that they cannot be victim of abuse because it shouldn't happen to men. Yet, sadly it can. Anyone can become a victim of domestic abuse. It doesn't happen to certain types of people. It doesn't happen to people with certain backgrounds.
Perpetrators of abuse will often to seek to blame their victims. In fact they will often seek to blame anyone and anything rather than accept responsibility for their own actions. Although domestic abuse can be two-way, in other words it is possible for both sides of a relationship to be abusive. In every case victims are not at fault. It is always the responsibility of the perpetrator.
It is important for everyone that has experienced domestic abuse to understand that they need not feel guilt. Perpetrators will often do everything they can to absolve themselves of responsibility. This type of manipulation can make a victim question whether they caused the abuse. Furthermore, the victim may be manipulated to make excuses for the perpetrator. It is not possible to cause domestic abuse. There is no excuse. The perpetrator, without exception, is responsible.
More generally, in life, we are all responsibilities for own actions. Doubtless life can throw terrible provocation at us but never-the-less we each choose how we behave. The responsibility for whatever behaviour we exhibit lies within ourselves not with another person, object or circumstance.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx
Saturday, 21 March 2015
Self-esteem
Once someone leaves an abusive relationship, how does that person promote positive self-esteem? Self-esteem is usually very damaged due to domestic abuse and it is vital that victims find their way back to a position of emotional security.
Counseling can be very helpful, as can programmes which are designed to help victims understand what domestic abuse is. A further helpful method to improve self-esteem is to practice positive affirmations. These sound complicated but they are not. It is simply the things you think about yourself. In other words, positive affirmations are active thoughts about yourself that support your psyche. The way we think, creates the way we feel. Following an abusive relationship, many of our thoughts about ourselves may be quite negative. Positive affirmations change this.
It helps if positive affirmations are short and easy to remember. For example:
I am happy
I am intelligent
I am beautiful
I am kind
I am organised
I am a good mother
It also helps if the affirmations are meaningful. If the abuser generally ridiculed your looks or your intellect or you mothering skills then positive affirmations that focus on these areas will be most beneficial.
It can be helpful to have just a few affirmations to begin with and focus on repeating these a number of times a day. If possible repeat them out loud. It is helpful to choose a time of day where you will remember to say the affirmations. For example, first thing in the morning, last thing at night and during your lunch.
Over time, positive affirmations do help to improve the way your see yourself. This is the case for all people, one does not have to be a victim of abuse to benefit from positive affirmations.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
Counseling can be very helpful, as can programmes which are designed to help victims understand what domestic abuse is. A further helpful method to improve self-esteem is to practice positive affirmations. These sound complicated but they are not. It is simply the things you think about yourself. In other words, positive affirmations are active thoughts about yourself that support your psyche. The way we think, creates the way we feel. Following an abusive relationship, many of our thoughts about ourselves may be quite negative. Positive affirmations change this.
It helps if positive affirmations are short and easy to remember. For example:
I am happy
I am intelligent
I am beautiful
I am kind
I am organised
I am a good mother
It also helps if the affirmations are meaningful. If the abuser generally ridiculed your looks or your intellect or you mothering skills then positive affirmations that focus on these areas will be most beneficial.
It can be helpful to have just a few affirmations to begin with and focus on repeating these a number of times a day. If possible repeat them out loud. It is helpful to choose a time of day where you will remember to say the affirmations. For example, first thing in the morning, last thing at night and during your lunch.
Over time, positive affirmations do help to improve the way your see yourself. This is the case for all people, one does not have to be a victim of abuse to benefit from positive affirmations.
Yours,
The Renegade Glitter Fairy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)