Time infinite

Time infinite

Monday 27 July 2015

Personal experience of abuse

Most of this blog is written in the third person.  This blog post is different. 

It has taken me about a year to let go of some of the things that happened to me when I was trapped in an abusive relationship.  Abusive people take over every aspect of your existence so that in many respects, you stop being who you are.  I lost about 50% of my personality, when I was with my ex.  Amongst many other elements of abuse, I was controlled by my ex.  There were a large numbers things that I simply wasn't allowed to do.  It sounds incredible to say that.  You probably think, why on earth did you let someone control you like that and the answer is rather complex.  Over time it becomes easier, moreover it becomes safer to do what your partner wants.  It becomes easier to stop having a voice.  Having a voice means you get threatened, you get hurt, your children are at risk and you get screamed at.  So to avoid the anger, the threats and so on, you live your life the way your abusive partner wants you to.  Also you still love your abusive partner, you believe they will change, you make excuses for them and you worry that you won't manage without them because they have stolen your self-esteem. 

About 2 months after we left my ex, I remember feeling guilty for buying my daughter hair bands.  I wasn't allowed to buy things like that because they were a luxury.  With my ex, I had no say whatsoever regarding anything that appertained to money.  When we left my ex and I had the freedom to buy something without threats, without fear, yet I found it difficult because I had become so controlled by him.  Similar feelings occurred in queues.  I would be screamed at, often in public, for choosing the wrong queue. The right queue was the fastest.  I used to feel a terrible sense of dread as I approached a queue with my ex.  A year on, I sometimes choose the longest queue, just because I can!  Likewise, I would be screamed at for stopping to rearrange the buggy when walking anywhere.  It didnt matter whether we were in a rush or not, if I bent down to make sure shopping was safe in the buggy, I would be shouted at.  I used to worry that items of shopping might fall out of the buggy but didn't dare check it because of his reaction.  He used to tell me that I was paranoid and that I was an emotional mess because I wanted to stop to rearrange the buggy.  Thus, I was always treading on egg shells.  I never operated in the here and now because I was always worrying about what he would say and do.

A year on, I often live in the moment.  I have the same worries that every person has.  But I don't live inside a relationship that is built upon control.  I make my own choices.  I am in charge of my own finances.  Moreover, I am in charge of my own life.  I have every part of my personality back.  In fact, I now feel like I'm superwoman.  It has taken a year to reach this point but I can now say that I feel more free than I ever have.  I smile with genuine happiness most of the time.  There are ups and downs, of course.  Sometimes being a single parent is hard but despite it's challenges, it is a million times easier than life inside abuse.

I could list 100s of things that my ex did but a huge list of horrible experiences would make for long and depressing reading.

This post is about freedom, my freedom from abuse.

May anyone experiencing domestic abuse, find their way to freedom.  

Yours,

The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx