Responsibility

Victims of domestic abuse can be female or male.  Moreover, children, can be victims of abuse both in terms of direct abuse, which is referred to as child abuse and when the children witness the domestic abuse of their carers.  It is absolutely vital to remember that in every case of domestic abuse, the victim is NEVER at fault.

Male victims may feel emasculated.  They may feel that they cannot be victim of abuse because it shouldn't happen to men. Yet, sadly it can.  Anyone can become a victim of domestic abuse.  It doesn't happen to certain types of people.  It doesn't happen to people with certain backgrounds.  

Perpetrators of abuse will often to seek to blame their victims.  In fact they will often seek to blame anyone and anything rather than accept responsibility for their own actions.  Although domestic abuse can be two-way, in other words it is possible for both sides of a relationship to be abusive.  In every case victims are not at fault.  It is always the responsibility of the perpetrator.

It is important for everyone that has experienced domestic abuse to understand that they need not feel guilt.  Perpetrators will often do everything they can to absolve themselves of responsibility.  This type of manipulation can make a victim question whether they caused the abuse.  Furthermore, the victim may be manipulated to make excuses for the perpetrator.   It is not possible to cause domestic abuse.  There is no excuse.  The perpetrator, without exception, is responsible.

More generally, in life, we are all responsibilities for own actions.  Doubtless life can throw terrible provocation at us but never-the-less we each choose how we behave. The responsibility for whatever behaviour we exhibit lies within ourselves not with another person, object or circumstance.

Yours,


The Renegade Glitter Fairy

xx  

Self-esteem

Once someone leaves an abusive relationship, how does that person promote positive self-esteem?  Self-esteem is usually very damaged due to domestic abuse and it is vital that victims find their way back to a position of emotional security.

Counseling can be very helpful, as can programmes which are designed to help victims understand what domestic abuse is.  A further helpful method to improve self-esteem is to practice positive affirmations.  These sound complicated but they are not.  It is simply the things you think about yourself.  In other words, positive affirmations are active thoughts about yourself that support your psyche.  The way we think, creates the way we feel.  Following an abusive relationship, many of our thoughts about ourselves may be quite negative.  Positive affirmations change this.

It helps if positive affirmations are short and easy to remember.  For example:

I am happy
I am intelligent
I am beautiful
I am kind
I am organised
I am a good mother

It also helps if the affirmations are meaningful.  If the abuser generally ridiculed your looks or your intellect or you mothering skills then positive affirmations that focus on these areas will be most beneficial.

It can be helpful to have just a few affirmations to begin with and focus on repeating these a number of times a day.  If possible repeat them out loud.  It is helpful to choose a time of day where you will remember to say the affirmations.  For example, first thing in the morning, last thing at night and during your lunch.

Over time, positive affirmations do help to improve the way your see yourself.  This is the case for all people, one does not have to be a victim of abuse to benefit from positive affirmations.

Yours,

The Renegade Glitter Fairy 

Hiding abuse

Abusive people can hide abusive behaviours within seemingly innocent behaviours. In other words, they can do things that might, to others, not seem like abuse.  Abusers may carry out an action, in a public place, that to everyone else seems innocent but to the victim is a clear message that abuse will start as soon as they are somewhere private.  For example, loudly clearing the throat or repeating a certain word / phrase.  This behaviour is designed to frighten the victim whilst simultaneously hiding the behaviour from everyone else. 

If an abuser purposely lowers their voice to a whisper but continues to say nasty or unpleasant things - this is still an example of abusive behaviour.  Moreover, whispering abusive words is a clear example of abuse because the abuser is in control of their behaviour.  They know exactly what they are doing and their intention is to hurt the victim. Abusers don't have to raise their voice to be abusive.

An abuser may use innocent and seemingly kind words to frighten the victim.  For example, they may grit their teeth, lower their voice but retain a disturbing tone and say things that would appear, to those outside the 'relationship' to be pleasant.   For example they may say something like "yes I really the value the way you cleaned the kitchen and that you put the pans where are supposed to go".  They may say please and thank you.  They may appear polite.  Yet, the victim knows that they didn't put the pans away and the victim picks up on the subtle but disturbing tone of voice. Taken within the context of an abusive relationship, this is in itself an example of abusive behaviour.  Furthermore, it may be an indicator that more turbulent and dangerous abuse will follow later.  Within an abusive 'relationship', a certain look, the raising of an eyebrow or a certain type of smile can be examples of abuse.  The victim understands the coded behaviour and so does the abuser but it is hidden from everyone else.  

It's important for victims to remember that abusive people are not just angry, they are in control of their behaviours.  Although an abuser may become very angry and appear out of control, generally speaking they know exactly what they are doing.  Their intention is to intimidate, control and hurt their victims. 

There is never any excuse for domestic abuse.  It is entirely the responsibility of the abuser.  Victims must escape abusive relationships as safely as possible and must always ensure that children are not at risk.  Call Refuge on 0808 2000 247 or the police on 999 in an emergency.  Ideally, victims should get themselves to a place of safety before calling for help. Even if it's barricading themselves and all the children into a room before calling the police.

Domestic abuse is never acceptable.  Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional, mental, financial or a combination of these - it must NOT be allowed to continue.

Yours,

The Renegade Glitter Fairy

Escape abusive relationships

Victims of abuse should always seek to escape their situation in a way that does not put them at risk.  This means choosing to leave without telling the abuser you are leaving.  As a general rule, perpetrators of abuse will not simply allow their victims to leave.  They will use an array of methods to either discourage or simply prevent the victim from leaving.  This might mean physically harming the victim.  It might lead to serious physical harm or even death.  Even in abusive relationships that are less physically damaging, the perpetrator of abuse will make it very hard or impossible for the victim to leave.

Thus, a victim should make a plan to leave and stick to it.  Ideally, victims should leave when the perpetrator is out or when it is possible to slip away.  It might be necessary to make up an excuse for going out, such as visiting the shops.  It is generally not a good idea to tell anyone where you are going until you are a safe distance away from the perpetrator.  There is a wealth of guidance online regarding this.  Local services that protect victims from abuse can also offer advice.

It goes without saying that children should always accompany the victim of abuse to a place of refuge.  If it's possible to stay with a trusted person who lives a safe distance away from the perpetrator of abuse, and, who is not known by the perpetrator, this may be a favourable option. However there are refuges across the UK which are safe places for victims to stay. The majority of these refuges are for women, however there are some for men.  The addresses of these places is not public but a contact telephone number always is.  They offer support and, most importantly secure accommodation. 

Refuge is an excellent organisation that offers help, advice and information on local refuges.  http://www.refuge.org.uk/.

If victims are in immeadiate danger, without exception, the police must always be called.  If possible, escape to safety with any children first, then call the police.

Although this is a difficult and emotive subject, the more we talk about it, the greater the possibility that domestic abuse will cease to be hidden behind closed doors and significantly, more victims will find their way into a safer, brighter future.

Yours,

The Renegade Glitter Fairy
xx

Striding on

Today I received some news that might, in the past, have caused me to stop my world.  Today, I responded to the upsetting news by striding forward.  In fact, I feel very positive because I know something better will come my way. The thing that I wanted, wasn't meant for me. 

Think positive.  A split second before you have a thought, you choose to have it.  In other words, we choose our thoughts.  They do not choose us.  Take control of your thinking and make it as uplifting as you can.  There will always be difficult times. There will be times when positive thinking takes every ounce of will you have. Never-the-less, positive thinking can be achieved. 

Remember: you are what you think.

Yours,

The Renegade Glitter Fairy

xx

Womens Day - celebrate women!

The month of March celebrates women.  Today, the 8th March, events that celebrate women are being held across the globe.  Celebrating women and promoting gender balance, is certainly something to shout about.  Women throughout history have made great achievements, sadly some of these achievements haven't been shouted about enough.  So lets celebrate women today and everyday! 

Go here http://www.internationalwomensday.com

Why is it so hard to see black and blue?

The Salvation Army South Africa have used the dress that recently sparked a debate over it's colour.  They ask why is it so hard to see black and blue?  We must speak out against domestic abuse.  We must stop abuse against all victims. Physical violence only one form of domestic abuse - the other forms are psychological, sexual, financial and emotional. Victims can experience one or all of the types. 

https://twitter.com/SalvationArmySA/status/573788726632935424?utm_source=fb&fb_ref=Default&utm_content=573788726632935424&utm_campaign=SalvationArmySA&utm_medium=fb

A positive mindset

This morning I was dragged awake at 6.30am.  I'm not a morning person but toddlers, sadly, are morning people (they are also awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night people but we won't get into that).  I have swollen glands and, what can only be described as a hardcore cold.  Never-the-less, at around 6.30am, I got out of bed, did a few domestic things and put Cbeebies on.  Postman Pat had just started.  Rather than fighting the desire to scream choice swear words at the happy-clappy early morning kids TV noise, I found I was genuinely engaged in the story. Moreover, by about 7.10am, I was singing along with the theme tune.  I followed this with a rather enthusiastic "mission accomplished", which is a quote in their 'Special Delivery Service' song.  I'm not even joking.  It's 7.23am.  I don't have to be at work until 11am.  I feel as rough as course grain sandpaper but I have a positive mindset. 

The Dinopaws are now  bouncing around on the TV with terrifying enthusiasm and no, I don't feel like I want to storm into the TV and punch their pinks and purple faces.  I'm feeling pleasantly pleased with the Dinopaws' enthusiasm.  

Thus, having a positive mindset actually makes a big difference to the way your feel. What we think is what we are.

PS.  I'm a single mummy, I work, my washing machine broke last Thursday, I've been through an array of difficult experiences in the last few years and I'm still smiling.

PPS. I find that chocolate and tea supports the positive thinking processes.

Yours,

The Renegade Glitter Fair

xx